Friday, February 17, 2006

The State of the Multiverse

Begin Transmission.

I.A. Space Log. 1144 hours.

Greetings Earthlings.

You once believed in your collective entirety that you were alone in the universe, some entertaining the laughable notion that you were the most intelligent beings in existence. As you now know, this is not so. In order to awaken you to the world around you, and prevent you from drawing idiotic conclusions about the Interspacial Alliance, or even myself, I have decided to favor you with a rudimentary Guide to the Multiverse.

Your solar system, as you know, is comprised of twelve planets, although I.A. intelligence indicates you've only discovered ten of them. This system is part of a larger galaxy you call the Milky Way, which, along with thousands of other galaxies, comprises the universe. What you have not yet discovered is that this is only one of millions of the parallel universes, alternate dimensions, and subatomic worlds that make up the "Multiverse".

The seat of power in the Multiverse originates on Planet Zorag, named after our esteemed Emperor, may he one day awaken from his eternal slumber. Our Emperor ruled the Multiverse since before the creation of time itself, but several centuries ago he contracted a destructive virus (which I suspect Grand Admiral Alaylia created, but would never say so in print) and was put in cryogenic sleep. The plug was actually pulled to his cryogenic tube three decades ago by accident, but the I.A. in general is not aware of this (which I also believe had something to do with my co-ruler). Luckily you are privy to this sensitive information because you, as Earthlings, do not have the collective brains of a platypus, and thus there is little danger of the secret leaking out to the rest of the Multiverse.

It has come to my attention that the above reference to a "platypus" is considered an insult, or at least derogatory, among your race. This is a delusion that must be purged from your puny minds immediately. You may not be aware, but platypi are not native to Earth - I cringe just in entertaining the notion. They were the original race living on Planet Zorag, before the Emperor settled in their homeland, and are hailed as the highest state of existence, and are revered throughout the Multiverse.

This may all seem a tad strange to your simple minds. In actuality, I don't care. I am here to integrate you into the I.A., and force you to become useful members of the Multiversal society. My next transmission will deal with the religion we make our subjects, on pain of death, follow. Should you choose to continue reading these transmissions, know only that it will not affect your life in any way, except for making you smarter, stronger, faster, more attractive, and ultimately lead a better and more fulfilling life.

Grand Admiral Chelli Out.

End Transmission.

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